The Indo asked me to write something about baldness, Christ have they heard I’m thinning on top? Anyways: Flogging beauty products to men is a hard sell. We pay so little attention to our physical and mental well being that you have to feel sorry for Gerard Butler attempting to convince us that moisturizer is […]
Category: Irish Independent features
Humour pieces written for the Irish Independent daily features.
Happy Middleclassmas
Wrote this for the Indo as I am the go-to guy for middle class ennui. There are few events in the annual calendar more middle class than Christmas, save perhaps the Grand National, Irish Open or Ideal Homes Exhibition. It is a time of year to gather round the Rangemaster in the back kitchen, […]
The ghosts of Christmas past
Wrote this for the Indo about everyone I went to school with, burn in hell guys. Ah Christmas – a time to get together with old friends, when everyone comes back home and reunites, talks about how their lives have changed and gain a deeper understanding of who we really are, and the strange elliptical […]
Brain Kerr
Wrote this for the Indo: Miranda Kerr knows a thing or two about marriage. This is partly because the 34 year old model has been married twice, firstly to Orlando Bloom, and now to the world’s youngest billionaire, Evan Spiegel, head honcho of Snapchat, AKA the biggest threat to today’s youth since cooties. In […]
The Bills have eyes
Wrote this for the Indo about the Leitrim village appealing for people to move there. The idea of country living is one that resonates with us all. Deep down we all have the suspicion that urban spaces and their associated lifestyles are somehow eroding our soul. In our minds we dream of being one […]
Le quo
Nobody does formal anymore. So here’s a thing I did for the Indo on that theme: The French are a stylish bunch. Perhaps it’s the tan, the teeth, the hair, but they can switch from haute couture to pret a porter with enviable ease. Just look at their First Lady. Brigitte Macron was recently […]
Allsuds
Somebody said something silly, so here’s this: Kirsty Allsop knows a thing or two about home layouts. As the host of Location Location Location and Kirsty’s Homemade Home, she taught us all about where and how to live. So when she recently told us that having a washing machine in the kitchen was disgusting, […]
In MySpace no-one can hear you scream
Sometimes I worry that I’m becoming one of those hot take guys, but then I remember that money of money and money money money #money. Anyway, this piece on Xennials went in the Indo today: Is your name John Paul? Were you named after the guy from Led Zeppelin, or the artist formerly known […]
Ken?
As in, the Scottish for ‘y’know?’. But also a popular toy that got a makeover, promoting this work of genius in the Indo: Is there any toy more tragic than Ken? Since his creation back in 1959, his life has been one tragi-comic misadventure after another. Initially created with authentic felt hair, he had […]
Vader’s Day
Wrote an intensely pious piece on International Day For Men Who Got The Ride (Father’s Day) for the Indo, so here it is: Gather ye round my brothers, and let me tell ye of a fabled time, a golden age where a father’s job was to simply have a job, and little else. Returning […]
