Iraq has a higher life expectancy than certain parts of Glasgow, and probably a better standard of football. I often wonder if the real reason the royals holiday in Balmoral is so they can use Scottish staff to teach their children about mortality, in the same way that you or I would let them have a hamster. “I’m afraid Old Jock’s dead son, but he was 35 … in Scottish years that’s two World Cup qualifications …”

Nicola Sturgeon is right about retirement. You should stop working before you die – Frankie Boyle

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